You are a people pleaser if you simply can’t say “no” every time people ask you to do something.
You feel obligated to do it. You feel overly concerned with what other people might think of you if you turn them down. You worry people would think of you as selfish or mean.
It starts to become an issue when you start to do things against your will, just to earn other people’s approval, so that you would be accepted in a group or in a certain community. There is an unexplainable longing to be validated, liked, or recognized by others.
In doing so, you neglect your own needs. You no longer have time for yourself. In the long run, you would struggle with your own feeling of self-esteem.
The major cause of this psychological symptom is a deep feeling of insecurity. People pleasers constantly worry that other people will not like them or accept them.
Lack of self-confidence may also lead people-pleasers to have a need for external validation. They feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.
Painful or traumatic past experiences may leave unattended scars in your soul. People with abusive experiences as a child, for instance, tend to agree to anything others tell them simply to avoid triggering possible abusive treatments.
The impact on a people pleaser’s psychological health is very extensive. When you agree to someone, deep down inside you may feel anger and frustration at that person for taking advantage of you as well as feeling sorry and regretful for yourself.
Trying to manage others’ bidding can plague you with stress and anxiety. Eventually, you would feel burnt out mentally and feel depleted of your willpower.
All those years of resentment would pile up. Eventually, you start to experience contradicting effects than the expectation. Instead of getting accepted, you will have weaker and weaker relationships with the very people or community you had wished to accept you.
Do not be afraid to seek professional help. If you can identify yourself as a people pleaser, most likely it has been happening for years. Most of the time, as early as your childhood. Without external help, it is almost impossible to treat it on your own.
You will need to learn how to establish boundaries and set daily goals. A psychologist or a psychiatrist can help you and walk you out of the habit. Including having a set of positive self-talks and stalling for time.
Stalling will give you time to assess the request. Look for signs that other people are trying to take advantage of your generosity. Are there people who always seem to want something from you but are suddenly unavailable if you need them to return the favor? Or do some people seem to be aware of your generous nature and ask you, instead of asking others because they know that you won't say no?
If it feels like you're being manipulated into doing things, take some time to assess the situation and decide how you want to handle the request.
For repeat offenders or people who keep insisting that you should help, be firm and clear that “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to append this sentence with any explanation.
My personal way of assessing any request is to ask three golden questions. You may use them to your benefit. After a while it becomes natural, you just do it automatically.
The three golden questions are as follows.
Question 1: If you don’t do it, would anybody die?
If it is a matter of life and death, do it immediately. It may include saving your own life or your family. However, if nobody would die, then move to the 2nd question.
Question 2: If you don’t do it, would it cost you your wealth?
Wealth can be your money or your job. It can also be an opportunity for your own benefit, like a potential job offering or an investment opportunity that you are very sure will benefit you and that you have consulted about it with real professionals.
If the answer to this question is yes, then do it. Otherwise, move to the next and final question below.
Question 3: If you do it, would you feel resentment, unhappiness, or upset and frustration?
If you would, then don’t do it.
Remember that all relationship requires reciprocities. A give and take from both sides interchangeably.
It is not a healthy relationship if one person is always giving and the other is always taking. Even in an intimate relationship such as marriage. There has to be some level of equal reciprocities happening.
And avoid making excuses for yourself.